Stress Inducing Thinking Errors (Cognitive Distortions)

"We don't see the world as it is, we see it as we are." (Unknown)

As we have learnt, our thoughts play an influential role in our perception of the stress that we are under. Some of these stress inducing thoughts are what Clinical Psychologists call Cognitive Distortions. These stress inducing thinking errors can exacerbate any stress we are under and it is important to identify and challenge them.

You will find below some of the most common of these thinking errors. Write down any which you think might apply to you.

1. Black and White Thinking (All or Nothing Thinking)

In black and white thinking we tend to see things, ourselves and other people as being all wrong or all right, all good or all bad. We are a total success or we are a total failure. We are either completely 100% right or we are 100% wrong. The reality is we all make mistakes. Life is a learning process and nobody is perfect. For example, if we make one mistake we see ourselves as having failed.

2. Overgeneralization

In overgeneralization when we experience a single, negative event such as not getting a job that we applied for, we tend to think we will never get a job ever again. We make a mistake and we think we can never do things right. We make conclusions based on single events. For example "Everything I do turns out wrong."

3. Catastrophising

When we catastrophise we automatically think the worst is going to happen, it will be awful and we will not be able to cope. For example, "My relationship broke up, so nobody will want a relationship with me again in the future."

4. Mental Filter

In mental filter we see all the negatives and seldom see the positives. We filter out all the good things that life has and overly focus on negative parts of life. We pick on a single negative detail and dwell on it. We overly dwell on the negative and totally ignore the positives. We make predictions about what will happen to us in the future based on little information. For example, someone says we have done well, but we discount this because we say it was only said to be nice, it wasn't really meant; or 100 good reviews and one bad review and we focus on the single bad review.

5. Magnifying or Minimising (Binocular Vision)

In magnifying/minimising we blow things out of proportion. We make mountains out of molehills. We tend to minimise the strengths and qualities of ourselves and others and magnify and exaggerate the supposed weaknesses, mistakes and errors.

6. Personalisation and Blame

In personalisation and blame if something bad happens we assume it is our fault. We tend to blame ourselves solely for situations and events that we were not entirely responsible for. The opposite example is we take no personal responsibility; we blame other people and situations. Example "My relationship broke up so it must be all my fault", or "My relationship broke up so it must be all his/her fault."

7. Labelling and Mislabelling

In labelling/mislabelling we call ourselves and other people by negative names for our/their supposed shortcomings. These are not based on the facts, but on only one or two negative incidents. Example "I'm an idiot", "She's a moron", "I'm stupid".

8. Jumping to Conclusions

In jumping to conclusions we tend to make a negative interpretation even though we don't have all the facts to support our view.

a. Mind Reading We think we know what other people are thinking about us, for example, that they think we are stupid, incompetent, and may disapprove of us; we do not bother to check this out. For example, if a friend walks by on the other side of the street we mind read and think I've offended her, so she is ignoring me.

b. Fortune Telling We think that events will turn out bad without having any evidence to support this view. For example, I'll fail my exams, or I won't go for the job I want because I know I won't get it.

9. Emotional Reasoning

In emotional reasoning we let our feelings guide our interpretation of reality. We think that what we are feeling must be accurate, so if we feel we are a failure then we must be; if we feel we are ugly then we must be. We do not look for facts to support what we feel; we have a feeling and just accept it. If we feel we are weak, useless, stupid we just accept it. We may be so stressed that we have difficulty with our emotions and therefore conclude that our marriage is not working, when in fact it is our blunted emotions that are causing the problem. We reason from how we feel, I feel an idiot, so I must really be one.

10. Discounting the Positive

In discounting the positive we trivialise the positive things about ourselves and others saying that these positives do not count for much. For example your partner says you are good at something, but you say they are only saying it because they are your partner.

11. Hindsight Thinking

In hindsight thinking we look back at decisions we made in the past and make judgements about the decision we made. We often think we should have handled things better, but hindsight thinking is always 20/20. Looking back with the benefit of hindsight we may now make a different decision with our current knowledge, however we made the decision at that time with the evidence, knowledge and experience we had at that time. For example, "When I left University I should have gone for a different type of job, all the work problems I've got now I wouldn't have if I had taken that job."

12. What ifs

In what if thinking, we keep asking what if something happens, and we are not satisfied by any of the answers we get. ". . .but what if I don't do the three point turn properly?" or "what if I mess up the emergency stop?", "what if the examiner is a tyrant?", "what if . . .

13. Egocentric Thinking

In egocentric thinking we think that it is important that we persuade others to think the same way we do. (This is about other peoples thinking) For example, "I must persuade him to want to vote the same as me if he is going to be my friend." Or "People must think the way I do."

14. Being Right

In being right error we think we are correct in our thinking, we discount other evidence and the ideas of others. (This is about our thinking). For example, "I know I am right, so I won't read the leaflet about the other political party."

15. Control Error

In control errors there could be two distortions:

a. We see ourselves as helpless and externally controlled, we remain stuck, unable to affect our own life, or anything else in the world. We see evidence of human helplessness all around us. Something else is responsible for our pain, loss or failure. We find it difficult to find or work on solutions. For example, "I won't get financial stability or have a nice house until I find a rich man to marry."

b. We feel the opposite of the above, we feel responsible for everything, carrying the world on our shoulders, we are totally responsible for ours and others happiness. For example, "It's my fault that she hates her job, I'm not a very good boss."

16. Change Error

In change error we strive to change the views of others; we blame, demand, withhold and trade to achieve the change in others we require. Usually the other person feels attacked and pushed around and probably does not change at all. We think we have to change others to achieve our happiness. For example, "You must get better results in your exams than I did when I was at school; I'll buy you a car if you do."

17. Fairness Error

In fairness error we tend to judge peoples actions by what we think is fair or not fair. We feel resentful when someone does not act towards us in a way that we think is fair. Their version of what is fair is probably different from our version of what is fair. For example, "If my husband really cared about how I felt, he would take on more responsibility for the house and the children."

18. Heaven's Reward Thinking

In heaven's reward thinking we do the right thing to gain our reward, we sacrifice and slave imagining that we are collecting brownie points that we can cash in some day, making our decisions and actions around what others need, often ignoring our own needs. For example, "If I look after my own needs I am being selfish."

19. Unrealistic Comparisons

In unfair comparisons we compare ourselves to other people, work colleagues etc, and view them as being more successful, better at coping than we are, are happier than we are, and better at handling life than we are.

Identifying thinking errors is one step towards improving our stress resistant thinking; the next step is to learn the techniques to challenge and restructure our thinking.

http://stresscourse.tripod.com/id137.html

Reading Body Language: 5 Mistakes People Make

Human beings are genetically programmed to look for facial and behavioral cues and to quickly understand their meaning. We see someone gesture and automatically make a judgment about the intention of that gesture.

And we've been doing this for a long, long time. As a species we knew how to win friends and influence people - or avoid/placate/confront those we couldn't befriend - long before we knew how to use words.

But our ancient ancestors faced threats and challenges very different from those we confront in today's modern society. Life is more complex now, with layers of social restrictions and nuanced meanings adding to the intricacies of our interpersonal dealings. This is especially true in workplace settings, where corporate culture adds it own complexities and unique guidelines for correct behavior.

No matter what the culture at your workplace, the ability to "read" nonverbal signals can provide some significant advantages in the way you deal with people. You can start to gain those advantages by avoiding these five common mistakes people often make when reading body language:

1. They forget to consider the context

Imagine this scene: It's a freezing-cold winter evening with a light snow falling and a north wind blowing. You see a woman sitting ona bench at a bus stop. Her head is down, her eyes are tightly closed and she's hunched over, shivering slightly, and hugging herself.
Now the scene changes . . .

It's the same woman in the same physical position. But instead of sitting outdoors on a bench, she's seated behind her desk in the office next to yours. Her body language is identical - head down, eyes closed, hunched over, shivering, hugging herself. The nonverbal signals are the same but the new setting has altered your perception of those signals. In a flash she's gone from telling you, "I'm really cold!" to "I'm in distress."

Obviously, then, the meaning of nonverbal communication changes as the context changes. We can't begin to understand someone's behavior without considering the circumstances under which the behavior occurred.

2. They try to find meaning in a simple gesture

Nonverbal cues occur in what is called a "gesture cluster" - a group of movements, postures and actions that reinforce a common point. A single gesture can have several meanings or mean nothing at all (sometimes a cigar is just a cigar), but when you couple that single gesture with other nonverbal signals, the meaning becomes clearer.
For example, a person may cross her arms for any number of reasons. But when that action is coupled with a scowl, a headshake, and legs turned away from you, you now have a composite picture and reinforcement to conclude that she is resistant to whatever you just proposed.

3. They are too focused on what's being said

If you only hear what people are saying, you'll miss what they really mean.
A manager I was coaching appeared calm and reasonable as she listed the reasons why she should delegate more responsibility to her staff. But every time she expressed these opinions, she also (almost imperceptibly) shuddered. While her words declared her intention of empowering employees, the quick, involuntary shudder was saying loud and clear, "I really don't want to do this!"

4. They don't know a person's baseline

You need to know how a person normally behaves so that you can spot meaningful deviations.
Here's what can happen when you don't: A few years ago, I was giving a presentation to the CEO of a financial services company, outlining a speech I was scheduled to deliver to his leadership team the next day. And it wasn't going well.
Our meeting lasted almost an hour, and through that entire time the CEO sat at the conference table with his arms tightly crossed. He didn't once smile, lean forward or nod encouragement. When I finished, he said thank you (without making eye contact) and left the room.
As I'm a body language expert, I was sure that his nonverbal communication was telling me that my speaking engagement would be canceled. But when I walked to the elevator, the executive's assistant came to tell me how impressed her boss had been with my presentation. I was shocked and asked how he would have reacted had he not liked it. "Oh," said the assistant, her smile acknowledging that she had previously seen that reaction as well. "He would have gotten up in the middle of your presentation and walked out!"
The only nonverbal signals that I had received from that CEO were ones I judged to be negative. What I didn't realize was that, for this individual, this was normal behavior.

5. They judge body lanaguage through the bias of their own culture

When we talk about culture, we're generally talking about a set of shared values that a group of people holds. And while some of a culture's values are taught explicitly, most of them are absorbed subconsciously - at a very early age.
Such values affect how members of the group think and act and, more importantly, the kind of criteria by which they judge others. Cultural meanings render some nonverbal behaviors as normal and right and others as strange or wrong. From greetings to hand gestures to the use of space and touch, what's proper and correct in one culture may be ineffective - or even offensive - in another. For example, in North America, the correct way to wave hello and good-bye is palm out, fingers extended, with the hand moving side to side. That same gesture means "no" throughout Mediterranean Europe and Latin America. In Peru it means "come here," and in Greece, where it's called the moutza, the gesture is a serious insult. The closer the hand to the other person's face, in fact, the more threatening it is considered to be.
So just remember: Body language cues are undeniable. But to accurately decode them, they need to be understood in context, viewed in clusters, evaluated in relation to what is being said, assessed for consistency, and filtered for cultural influences.
If you do so, you'll be well on your way to gaining the nonverbal advantage!

by Carol Kinsey Goman, Ph.D

http://www.hodu.com/mistakes.shtml

The Five Biggest Mistakes Women Make About Love

I learned from the philosophy, Aesthetic Realism, that our biggest purpose in life is to like the world through knowing it. Whether we are on the phone with a friend, listening to music, talking to our mother, or with a man, our deepest hope is to care more for the world through seeing meaning in it. We make our biggest mistakes about love because we use a man to be against the rest of the world instead of using him to know and like it more.

My gratitude for learning this is huge! After years of feeling I would never understand why I had so much pain as to love, I now have a passionate love for the man who became my husband, and a feeling of self-respect I didn't think was possible.

Aesthetic Realism is a great, wide education, true about the human mind and all reality. Eli Siegel, American poet and critic, and founder of Aesthetic Realism, is in my opinion the most important educator ever to live. He understood the central cause of pain in people's lives--the desire in every person to have contempt, which he defined as “the lessening of what is not oneself as a means of self-increase as one sees it.”

1. THE BEGINNING MISTAKE

The beginning mistake is for two people to be in a team to despise the rest of the world. When someone acted as if he adored me and everything else paled, I thought it was love, but it never succeeded; and one relationship after another ended--I was getting worn out and jaded. I wrote in my diary: “I don't listen in my classes...the people in [them] plus the teacher are so stupid...I would much rather think about Steve.” I can remember being at a party with a man, our giving each other smoldering looks and mocking people; the next day I felt listless, had a pounding headache, and I remember thinking the streets looked ugly.

When you want to use someone to like the world, you want other people and things to mean more to you, not less. What a difference it is these days, for instance, to walk down the

street with Kevin. Sometimes we point things out to each other, like, “Look at the way the sunlight is hitting that building!” and I feel I like the world more, and I love him more, both at the same time.

2. MISTAKE #2: WE FEEL WE'RE MADE OF FINER STUFF

Women have a tendency to think their feelings are fine china and a man’s are like paper plates. In other words, we think we're superior: we may need him, but he isn't worth really knowing. I was so lucky at 25 to begin my exciting study of Aesthetic Realism. It showed me that knowing another person is a big thing—bigger than knowing all the works of Shakespeare! The reason is, a person is indefinitely deep, and related to everything in the whole world. In one consultation I was asked: “Have you felt only women were too deep for words?” I did. And they asked: “Do you think you have an unquenchable desire to make fun of a man?...Your style is, “Don't ask too much of him, pity him, and have contempt.” This was so true! I didn't see how it had stopped me from really being able to care for someone.

3. MISTAKE #3: WE WANT TO OWN A MAN

In a 1950 lecture published in the international journal, The Right of Aesthetic Realism to Be Known #606, Eli Siegel says:

What happens most often, is that through loving one person, we get to be less interested in people. We have a notion that since we've caged a person, our job of understanding other persons is over: we've got our choice, so why trouble ourselves any more?

This describes a crucial mistake women make. Once I had “caged” a man, I saw him as personal property I could treat any way I wanted, and other people didn't matter. Wanting to own someone, resenting his having to do with anything else--people he works with, the baseball game he is watching, the book he is reading, his family, his friends--always leads to feeling suffocated, jealous and furious.

The one alternative is to see that a person comes from the world, and is as mysterious as reality itself: he has a whole past, hopes, fears, unknown possibilities. Aesthetic Realism teaches that, like reality itself, a man is a oneness of opposites such as toughness and tenderness, inside

and outside, energy and repose. Studying this, a woman feels proud and free as she sees a man is endlessly related to everything, including great art and everyday objects: a portrait by Van Gogh, a mountain, a rose.

4. MISTAKE #4: WE WANT HIM TO BE WEAKER

I learned the greatest suspicion men have of women is they want them to be weaker. One of the ways I tried to weaken men, and women do, is through using sex to have power, seeing men as easily fooled brutes. With all my victories, I loathed myself for this. Aesthetic Realism taught me the only purpose a woman will ever respect herself for having, as to sex or anything else, is good will: the hope that a person be as good as he can be. In an Aesthetic Realism consultation, my consultants said:

A woman can have good will for a man through a kiss. [She can feel]...if I apply my lips to his, I'll make him stronger. Do you think when your lips have been close to the lips of a man, your desire has been to have him strong, clear, to like himself--or to be foolish over you?

I answered, “To be foolish over me.” “That,” they explained, “is why things have been so murkily complicated.”

5. MISTAKE #5: WE THINK WE KNOW WHAT A MAN WANTS MOST

Aesthetic Realism shows with kind logic that a person's biggest impulsion is not to have sex, but to know and like the world. In his great work, Self and World, Eli Siegel explains:

Sex is the intense, inescapable, tremendous representative of the necessity of a person to complete himself by seeing that whatever else exists is related to him; and indeed is he. Sex, seen fully, is intellectual, has knowledge to it, is philosophic. It is the symbolic, joyful junction of two bodies or selves: symbolical of the joy there would be were a self to accept the world entirely and see its freedom on doing so.

What a man wants most, I learned, is to be fair to things outside of himself, and to be known truly. He wants a woman close to him to be a means of his true strength and ease through

wanting him to be in the best relation to everything. When a woman sees how much a man wants criticism of where he can be better, and she wants to have good will by being an exacting, compassionate critic of herself and a man, there can be love--the real thing--which lasts and gets better as time goes on.

http://www.carolmccluer.net/Articles/5%20Biggest%20Mistakes.pdf

Common Home Building Mistakes

Even though we all have idealistic dreams of the way we want our house to look, it is important that you take certain things into consideration before your dreams turn into a nightmare.

Below are the six most common mistakes that are committed when it comes to home building:

1. Not leaving it to the experts

We try saving money where ever possible which is highly understandable. However what you have to realize is that getting a professional architecture to design your house is very important. They are qualified individuals like a doctor that go through the entire process of studying through university and giving exams before they are eligible to call themselves qualified architecture. It is important that you lay the initial foundation correctly so that everything else falls into place.

2. Do it yourself

With the aim of trying to save a lot of money, many people tend to take on the responsibility of managing their home project themselves. Even though you may feel that this way could save you a lot of money, in actual fact it could end up costing you more due to lack of experience, knowledge and expertise.

A recent quote for taken from a professional architect, Ron Safapour claiming the importance of hiring professional home builders and architects for the right job. He said that based on the type of home you are after, the type of architect and home builder will vary drastically so it is important to get it right.

3 Stick to your initial plans. Avoid Changes.

Planning is the key to success. What you have to realize is that this is not a computerized program that can easily shuffle things around accordingly to how you want. The whole process of building a home is one that requires a lot of time, planning and commitment. Once the architect and engineer have gone ahead with the plans that have been finalised do not change your mind about what you wanted. It is common for people once everything is done to say “can I move the door to this place instead”.

Not only will that waste a lot of time but will also cost you a fortune. The planning process is vitally important and can not be stressed enough with your architect and engineer. Make sure you get everything right the first time round unless you have money lying around to waste.

4 Don’t cut corners

We do understand that everyone is currently going through financial difficulties which usually cause them to cut corners when it comes to certain expenses. With regards to cutting corners it is fine to cut back on luxury items such as imported furniture but it is highly important that one does not cut corners when it comes to the initial layout and foundation of the house such as the roof, tiles, walls etc.

5. Don’t pay up front

Another common mistake is paying the builder in advance for work they still have to do. Never do this. If the builder is not willing to work without you paying him up front then you will be better of looking for another contractor.

6. Make a realistic budget

It is quite common for one to always go over their planned budget as they are never calculated realistically. For this reason it is very important that you take some time to sit down and plan a realistic budget to ensure that you do not over spend in the process.