One of the benefits
of watching the years go past in your life is the ability to look back and see
where you screwed up.
If you look back often enough, with a discerning eye and an open
heart, you can often self-correct along the way. Or at the very least, you can
learn from your screw-ups and become a bit wiser and stronger in other areas of
your life.
You probably know from your own life experiences that mistakes
are painful but very useful ways of learning. However, there are some life
mistakes, that if avoided in the first place, will save you a whole load of
heartache and misdirection.
These are the mistakes that stem from a lack of knowledge,
infrequent self-reflection, or little solid emotional guidance as you grow and
enter adulthood. These are the mistakes that can stick with you for a lifetime
if someone or something doesn’t gently (or often abruptly) help you
self-correct.
Although I’m sharing these mistakes with you, and some ideas on
how to fix them, I haven’t been immune from them. In fact, I’ve made every
single one of these mistakes, and I can proudly claim that now in mid-life I am
beginning to make a dent in a few of them!
So here they are — 15 life mistakes you don’t want to make:
Mistake
#1: Losing Sight of What Makes You Happy
Remember when you
were a kid, and pure, unadulterated joy was part of most every day? We didn’t have
to ask ourselves, “What makes me happy?” We just knew and made it our mission
to do those happy things. But adulthood and responsibilities take us farther
and farther away from the pure happiness of
our youth. We get so caught up in the work of life that we lose touch with the
joy of living.
The
Fix:
Go shut yourself in a clutter-free, distraction-free room with a
pen and paper. Think about all of the things you did as a child, a teenager,
and a young adult (before you had major responsibilities) that brought you
happiness. Write them down. Now think about some things you’ve done in recent
years (whether in work or life in general) where you have felt really happy or
content. Write those down as well.
How can you make space for more of those things that make you
happy back into your life?
Mistake
#2: Giving Power to Fear
Fear, which was once an appropriate reaction to real and present
danger, is now the reaction to any imagined negative outcome. Fear is mostly a
product of our imaginations, almost always without any true basis in reality.
We fear failure. We fear success. We fear the future. We fear the past. We fear
possible scenarios with only a shred of evidence to lead us there. The more we
think about what we fear, the more we feed the fear. Then fear begins to
control us, limit us, and ultimately overtake us.
The
Fix:
Examine your fears
under a magnifying glass. Break them down and study all of the parts. How much
truth is there really in each fearful thing? What are the odds that the fearful
thing will come to pass? Leave no fear un-probed, until you become bored with
fear. Become practiced at seeing fear as a weak and capricious companion, only useful
when you are dealing with reality.
Mistake
#3: Believing You Are Right
We put a lot of stock in our beliefs. We’ve spent a long time
cultivating them, supporting them, proving to others that we have the
last word on the subject. We do this with our beliefs about religion, politics,
sexuality, child rearing, money, lifestyle, and any number of lesser areas of
life (where we still feel compelled to take a stand). But once we are firmly
lock in to a point of view, we lose. We lose perspective, kindness, and a
learner’s mind.
The
Fix:
You don’t have to give up your beliefs — just your attitude
about them. Open yourself to other points of view. In fact, seek out other
points of view. Look at the topic from every angle and be discerning. You will
be a more interesting and understanding person.
Mistake
#4: Pleasing Others at the Expense of Yourself
Helping other people, being there for friends and family,
finding ways to serve your community — these are all positive things. Until you
find that you have lost yourself in the process. Do you please others out of
obligation? To feel better about yourself? To avoid abandonment or loss of
love?
The
Fix:
Examine your motives
for giving of yourself. Does giving fill you up or drain you? Are you pleasing
to find love? If so, shift your pleasing efforts to yourself for a change. Find ways to love and please yourself. Then you will create authentic love to
give others.
Mistake
#5: Complicating Your Life
Life is full of opportunities and choices, and for some reason
we must grasp at all of them. With every success comes more . . . more tasks,
more stuff, more paperwork, more events, more distractions. With each passing
year, our lives become exponentially complicated and full. We are stretched to
the limit and drained of energy.
The
Fix:
Begin simplifying
your life. Start with clutter. Then material things that you no longer use.
Then start chopping unnecessary tasks and events. Pare down. Trim back. Craft your life into
the purest essence of exactly what you love the most so that your precious time
is spent in the best way possible.
Mistake
#6: Staying Stagnant
You’ve grown up, secured your job, created a steady income, have
a nice place to live, have a pretty decent lifestyle. Now that your life is in
good shape, what’s the point of shaking it up? You may feel restless or bored,
but things could be a whole lot worse.
The
Fix:
And they could be a
whole lot better. Life is change. Staying stagnant stunts our potential for
happiness. We are born with an enormous capacity for continued learning,
personal growth, and new ways of living in the world. With every “life stretch”
comes thrilling new
opportunitiesand experiences. Where can you stretch yourself
through change?
Mistake
#7: Not Facing Realities
Life experience has taught us to put our head in the sand when
we don’t like what we see. If things look unpleasant, if people let us down, if
we fail to meet expectations — we spend precious energy finding ways to
obfuscate, hide, deny, and pretend. The painful truth seems too scary to face,
so we wear ourselves down trying to avoid it.
The
Fix:
Denying unpleasant truths in life causes tension and internal
pain for as long as we deny. Facing the truth may cause brief pain, but the
relief and freedom of living honestly is liberating and allows us to move on in
life with renewed hope and energy. Where are you denying reality? Pull the
band-aid off quickly. It will sting, but not forever.
Mistake
#8: Giving Away Your Power
When life is overwhelming, tedious, or frightening, it seems
easier to let someone else take over. Sometimes it’s better to let someone else
make the decisions or call the shots. But when we do that too often, or when
someone intimidates or manipulates us into acquiescing, we give away our
personal power. This can lead to depression, anxiety, and despair.
The
Fix:
Examine your life
and look at ways you may be giving away your personal power. Being empowered
means taking responsibility for all of your actions and choices. This can
sometimes be hard or painful, but the reward is your freedom and self-respect. Reclaim your personal power, even if there is some
fallout.
Mistake
#9: Neglecting Relationships
We all claim that our relationships are the most important parts
of our lives. But quite often our most valued relationships get neglected as we
allow less important for more demanding activities fill our time and attention.
An untended relationship will eventually wither and die, leaving us unwittingly
holding the bag.
The
Fix:
Be honest with
yourself. How might you be neglecting your most prized relationships? Are you
truly offering the love and attention these people deserve? Begin to
re-prioritize your actions and agenda so you can cultivate and care for the
relationships you value.
Mistake
#10: Feeling Guilty
We make a mistake and feel guilty. We hurt someone and feel
guilty. We lie or deceive and feel guilty. We don’t do what someone wants us to
do and feel guilty. Even after we apologize, we often still feel guilty. For
some reason we believe that ongoing guilt will absolve us — that we deserve to
feel bad to make amends for our sins, regardless of how large or small.
The
Fix:
Guilt is our psyche’s way of letting us know when we’ve acted
against our integrity. It can also signal that we are allowing ourselves to be
manipulated by someone. If you have done something wrong, apologize and do what
needs to be done to make it right. If someone tries to make you feel guilty,
state your truth with confidence. Then consciously work to disengage from
guilt. Once a situation is properly addressed, guilt does absolutely nothing
for you except cause pain.
Mistake
# 11: Spending Mindlessly
We often spend money
on impulse, buying to satisfy a brief whim, to fill a void, or to impress. So
much of what we spend money on doesn’t offer any long term happiness or fulfillment.Overspending
often ties in with complicating our lives, creating more stuff, more tasks, and
more responsibilities that we don’t really want.
The
Fix:
Question yourself every time you make a purchase. Why am I
buying this? Does it meet a need? Does it offer long-term satisfaction? Can I
truly afford this? Focus your spending primarily on real needs, experiences,
and soul-enhancing material things.
Mistake
#12: Over-Thinking
Many of us who are analytical or who dwell in ideas and possibilities,
spend a lot of time in our heads, pondering problems and solutions. We ruminate
and pontificate, believing we can think ourselves to a result or resolution.
But over-thinkers can get stuck in thought, living on a mental treadmill that
leads nowhere.
The
Fix:
If you are an over-thinker, you must hop off the treadmill
and begin taking action. Sound thinking followed by regular action is the most
powerful combination in the world. And action doesn’t need to wait for thinking
to be “complete.” In fact, action can lead to some of the best ideas you will
ever have.
Mistake
#13: Neglecting Your Body
A body that is poorly nourished, overweight, and out-of-shape
will make you feel bad in every way. Routinely neglecting your body is one of
the worst life mistakes you can make.
The
Fix:
Fortunately, it is
always a correctable mistake. You know what to do. Move your body and eat healthily.
Mistake
#14: Not Managing Your Anger
Like all emotions, anger comes and goes. But too often we attach
truth and meaning to our angry feelings that aren’t necessary. So we feed the
anger because we feel justified, unheard, or disrespected. Then the anger feeds
ill-health in mind, body, and spirit.
The
Fix:
If you are able to look at your anger, see the senselessness of
it, and simply disengage, then by all means do that. If you are unable to
disengage, seek help from a counselor so your anger doesn’t destroy you and
those around you.
Mistake
#15: Never Giving Yourself Time
So many people never take the time examine themselves to see
where they are making these life mistakes. Without awareness, change is
impossible.
The
Fix:
Give yourself the
gift of time to reflect on these mistakes in your own life. If you haven’t made
them, how can you prevent them? If you are living one or more of these mistakes
right now, are you willing to take action to turn yourself and your life around?
What is your experience with these life mistakes? What other
life mistakes have you encountered and self-corrected along your own personal
journey?
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